Healthy Family Rules

Healthy Family Rules – session 3

To survive in a family you have to follow the rules. But, you must also let people know when you are upset by those rules, and suggest what might help you feel less upset. Communicating with your family may not always be easy. Here are some examples of rules for healthy family communication.

1. Ask for help.
2. Talk about your hopes and dreams.
3. Express anger at your parents.
4. Seek acknowledgement or recognition for work.
5. Ask for emotional support.
6. Show that you have been hurt.
7. Show your emotional pain.
8. Talk about your sexual needs or feelings.
9. Notice or comment on mistakes or problems.
10. Voice disagreement or bring conflicts into the open.
11. Directly express your anger at other family members.
12. Express fears and anxieties.
13. Show affection.
14. Ask for attention.
    
    If it is okay to do any or all of these, you and your family will have a greater degree of success in communicating.

Tips for Giving Praise and Dealing with Criticism

Tips for Giving Praise and Dealing with Criticism – Session 2

The most powerful tool parents can use to increase their children’s self-worth is PRAISE - warmth. We also call them "warm fuzzies". Warm fuzzies is the feeling we get inside when we receive praise.

Saying something nice we call PRAISE. There are times that we praise others because we like them and they are our friends and other times we praise others because they do thinks we like. We should try not to use the two together, praising the goodness of a person’s being with their efforts. Keep the two separate.

Praise for being:

• I like you.
• You are a nice friend.
• I like to be with you.

Praise for doing:

• I like the way you play.
• You cleaned your room well.
• I like the way you talk with indoor voices.

Praise is using personal power in a positive way. Parents can help children to recognize how they feel when someone praises them. Praise feels good, warm, happy, etc.

• How do you feel when you are praised?
• How do others feel when they are praised?
• When was the last time someone praised you?

When was the last time you praised someone?

When someone gives us praise, what should we say? "Thank you"

Giving praise is the most important skill for families to learn.

Dealing with Criticism.

It’s not easy to take criticism. Also called "cold prickly's". The empty cold feeling inside we get when we hear criticism. The part inside that doesn't feel good. But everyone receives criticism from time to time. Expect it when you start working. You may receive criticism from your boss, your customers, teachers, child care providers or your co – workers. Sometimes you will even be criticized for things that you didn’t do. Here are some tips for dealing with criticism and ways to teach our children how to deal with criticism.

Saying something mean we call CRITICISM – the prickley’s .

1. Breathe - Don’t respond immediately. Compose yourself, take a deep breath, and think about what has been said.
2. Is it only me? - Don’t take criticism personally. You may not even be personally responsible. And, even if you are responsible, that doesn’t make you a bad person. We all make mistakes sometimes.
3. Yes, I Goofed! – If the critic is right, admit it. But don’t make excuses. You don’t have to explain yourself.
4. Good Point. – If the critic is not right or is intentionally trying to upset you, try to find something in what s/he said that you can agree with. Agreeing with the critic makes it harder for him/her to criticize.
5. Would You Explain? – If you don’t understand the criticism, ask for more information.

Responding to the Critic.

Write responses in each criticism below. Prepare responses that either agree with the critic, partially agree, or that ask for more information.

1. Your partner says to you, “You’ve got to do everything just right. It takes you twice as long as anyone else to finish a job.”
2. A co-worker says to you. “You’re doing that all wrong! Didn’t anyone teach you new guys the right way to do things?’
3. Your boss says to you, “You’re giving out too many packages of ketchup with each order of French fries. Those things cost me money. I’ve told you before one package per customer!
4. Your customer says to you, “That’s the second time that I’ve had to ask for two packages of ketchup. Are you cheap or something!”
5. Your co-worker says, “You must be trying to make points with the boss. You’re always asking his opinion, asking him to check your work and volunteering to take new assignments.

Food for thought: Think about our own communication style when we are parenting our children. Is it direct, clear, truthful, and supportive? Do you express what you see, what you are thinking, what you are feeling, or/and what you want to have happen? What is the message being communicated? How do our children, spouse, family and friends (receiver) respond when parents (sender) send a good message. One that is direct, clear, truthful and supportive?

Here are some more examples of "warm fuzzies" (praise) and cold prickly's (criticism).

These are from actual phraises I've heard from parents talking with their children. As you read these, think about how you feel as a parent and as a child hearing these phraises and think about other ways that you may have communicated or what you have heard others say and what would you do differently that would help create self - esteem in others.

Praise Me!! - Warm Fuzzies

• "Thank you for your help!"
• "Wow! Great Job!"
• "You are an awesome kid!"
• "You are such a good friend!"
• "I like how you did that!"
• "You are terrific at that!"

Criticism. - Cold Prickly's"

• "You're acting like: _______ "

How about instead. " I don't like the behavior I'm seeing right now? What is going on?"

• "You're mean!!"

Reframe. "Your choices aren't working. Can you make a different choice?"

• "You're a punk!"

How about. " I don't like the behavior I'm seeing right now? What is going on?"

• "Knock It Off!"

Instead try. " I need your to try this differently... What can we do instead?"